Bah Humbug

      I didn't always hate Christmas. I used to love everything about it. Shopping, baking, gift giving, service, parties, carolling, the Nativity, family time, snow, sledding, ice skating, hot coco, Christmas trees, decorating, I loved everything. My husband is a "no Christmas decorations before Dec 1st" kind of guy.  Through November I would slowly sneak decorations in around the house hoping he wouldn't notice, he always did, but it was a game we would play.  Near the begging of December we'd head up to the mountains to find the perfect tree. I really did love Christmas.


      We all can imagine how hard the holidays are for someone who has lost a loved one. But can you imagine what its like to have lost your loved one on Christmas? The most spiritual and magical day of the year. A time of hope, miracles, love and giving. Christmas is not supposed to be a time for taking.

      It starts around September. When the stores start filling with Christmas decor. When people start sharing memes with a countdown to Christmas. It becomes impossible to escape Christmas. So I begin to hide. I rarely go into a store and if I do I try to not be alone for fear of melting down in the middle of Costco like I did last year. My anxiety, that I can usually manage the rest of the year, goes through the roof. I get shaky, high blood pressure, nauseated, irritable, emotional and can't sleep.  By mid November I realize that I haven't even thought about Christmas shopping for anyone. I have 5 kids that need to have a better Christmas than I ever will again.  This is about when the guilt sets in. I feel like I'm ruining their Christmas and in turn taking away a magical part of their childhood.  I convince my husband to come help me shop because there is no way I can do it myself.  We ditch the kids with their aunt for a few hours and blitz the city trying to keep my anxiety under control and pretend that I'm ok. But I'm not. I hate Christmas.

      This is what Christmas means to me...

        Christmas 2015. It was the last day our family was together. It was the last day I was whole. It was the day I said goodbye to my mom. It was the day 25 innocent children lost the only women in the world who could possibly love them more than their own mothers. It was the day my whole world was flipped upside down. It was the day we didn't get our Christmas miracle. It was the day that life was taken and not given. It was the day that I lost faith and hope. Instead of all the things that Christmas used to mean to me, Christmas now means hurt, anger, grief, emptiness, loneliness, red swollen eyes, anxiety, regret, and guilt.  If she had passed away a week early or a week later, maybe the word "Christmas" wouldn't be such a punch in the gut. Maybe we could get through this holiday with a few less tears.

    My mom always taught us to look for the silver lining in every situation. Christmas 2015 was the last day our entire family was together. (minus one bro in law who was out of the country visiting his dad who was going through his own health issues . He was able to be there with face time) Six kids plus spouses, plus 25 grandkids gathered in a family room in the hospital. We exchanged gifts, ate  treats, took some photos (the one above) and visited with each other. My mom had been busy in the months leading up to Christmas. She knew her time was limited and wanted to do what she called a "keepsake Christmas"  She spent a lot of time thinking about each and every person and their roles in the family. She gave each of us a necklace. Each of them are different. Some were engraved with a special message. Each and every one was hand picked for the person it was meant for. They all have immense meaning and love behind them. I won't go into more detail about them here, I feel they are too personal.   Shortly after my mom was not feeling well and was taken back to her room. We helped clean up, went to her room to say goodbye, promised to be back to visit in a couple days then drove the 2 1/2 hours home to a second Christmas party at my in-laws house. The whole time being so grateful that we were able to spend this day together as a family, and having so much hope for a miracle for my mom.

     We opened presents, got the kids tucked in bed, visited for a little while then on our way to bed we got a call. At first it was my sister telling me that something was happening and she was on her way back to the hospital and she'd let me know what was going on once she got there. We started getting ready in case we had to leave again. A few minutes later I got another call. It was my aunt this time. To this day I can't hear her voice with out hearing the words "Krissy...you need to come. There's not much time..you need to come."   We let Nate's parents know we were leaving and drove the 2 1/2 hours back to Calgary.  There was snow on the ground, I can remember that. We drove as fast as we could praying we wouldn't get pulled over. That was the longest 2 hours of my life. And the quietest. I don't think either Nate or I said a single word the entire drive. I can't really remember though, I just remember feeling like I was going to throw up, but it would never come.

      When we finally arrived at the hospital, my brother and his wife were waiting for us downstairs. They greeted us with hugs and tears. I remember squeaking out "is she gone?"  He assured me that she was still here, they were trying to keep her comfortable but it wouldn't be long. We rushed upstairs and each of us were allowed a few minutes alone with her to say what we needed to say. To say I love you and Good bye.  I was frozen, I just sat there starring. I didn't know what to say. This isn't fair!! This isn't ok!! It Christmas for gods sake! Where is our miracle?! I finally was able to mutter a few words and then kissed her goodbye. She looked at me and told me she loved me. That was the last thing my mom said to me.

    Once everyone got their few minutes,  all 12 of us gathered with my dad around my moms bed in a shared hospital room, with a roommate who kept farting and snoring loudly.(my mom also taught us to find humour in stressful situations)   My mom was surrounded by her children and loving husband when she passed quickly and quietly into the night.

    As I look back, there are so many tender mercies throughout Christmas 2015. We were able to gather as a family. We were able to give gifts. My mom was able to give us her gifts. We were able to be with my mom as she passed. She knew we all loved her, and we knew she loved us. We were able to say goodbye, its a gift that most people don't get.  But even so Christmas will never be what it once was. Its the day I have to relive the worst day of my life.   So if you don't see me for a while know that its not you, its me. I'm hiding. Or if you do see me and I'm in a dark alley in Costco bawling and hyperventilating, please don't think I'm a crazy person, but a hug would be nice.

    

Kristen

 For those who don't know.. My mom, Laura Bevans, had an autoimmune condition called Pulmonary Fibrosis where her immune system attacked her lungs causing scar tissue, in turn causing her to not be able to breathe. She fought this stupid disease for nearly 6 years before it took her life. She needed a life saving lung transplant. It never came. She was on the lung transplant list for a few years. Alberta, where we live, has the lowest organ donation rate in Canada. With new legislation this is slowly changing and more Albertans are signing up to be organ donors. More awareness needs to be brought to the need for organ donation, and our family has made it our mission to spread awareness when/wherever we can. If you are reading this, please consider becoming an organ donor. And please share your wishes with your family.  My mom taught us from a young age about organ donation. Long before she got sick it was her wish to be an organ donor if ever such a situation arose. And although she never received the life saving lung transplant that she needed, she was able to give the gift of sight through cornea transplantation after her passing. There really is no one like my mom. She literally is superwoman and she is missed every second of every day.

      

Scout Ireland Primrose Part 2

      Being a mom is all I ever wanted to be. It is my calling. There is nothing I get more fulfillment from than being able to stay at home with my kids. I am grateful to have a husband who is able to provide for our family in such a way that we can easily afford me to stay home. He is an amazing father. I've never seen 3 little girls who adore their dad more. Or a son with such admiration for his father. It wasn't that I wasn't happy with what I had, but my family felt unfinished.

   We made it back home after out trip and tried to settle into a new routine with all the kids now in school. It was strange and lonely being home alone. For the first few days I spent a lot of time in town. I couldn't handle the quietness of house with all the kids gone all day. I was feeling good though. I spent time in the garden harvesting and canning. I kept myself busy waiting until I could take the next pregnancy test. Two weeks after we got home the test was positive.  We were ecstatic but at the same time I was afraid. I was afraid I would lose it again. I was afraid I would end up back were I started.


    I felt better this time. I didn't have that nagging feeling like something was wrong like last time. Nate was in Calgary for 2 weeks doing training for work. I woke up one morning before the alarm went off when I was 6 weeks along, to insane pain in my lower left abdomen. I laid in bed for a while trying not to move, waiting for the alarm before I had to get up and get the kids ready for school. When it was time I was able to slowly but painfully get out of bed and walk slowly hunched over to get the kids all up. I went to the kitchen to make breakfast and lunches, still unable to really stand, when pain that felt like I was being stabbed, ripped through my side. I hit the floor unable to stand. I pretty sure I freaked the kids out pretty good. I crawled to the couch and laid their giving orders while the kids got themselves ready for school and Claire made lunches. I managed to hold myself together fairly well until they were out the door and onto the bus. Once they were gone I was able to call Nate bawling, thinking I had a Ectopic pregnancy and was losing this baby too. After talking to him for a few minutes I was able to calm down a bit, get dressed and drove myself to the hospital.

     Once at the hospital I was checked out by a student nurse, he would then go out to the desk tell the nurse on duty what I had said, she would give him a list of questions to come back and ask me, he'd then go back to the nurse on duty and tell her the answers, It went on like this for some time. Since we live in a fairly rural community the Doctor on call wasn't at the hospital, he was at home eating breakfast with his family and getting his kids ready for school.  I laid in that hospital bed for over and hour and a half, with a possible ruptured Fallopian tube, in excruciating pain, I wasn't offered any kind of pain medication, before he finally made it in to check me out and send me to the Lethbridge hospital an hour away to get an ultrasound done. Me? Bitter? No not me. ;)   I drove myself to my moms house and caught her as she was on her way out the door to an appointment. She was able to change it and drive me to Lethbridge to get the ultrasound done.

    By the time I finally got an ultrasound it was nearly 5 hours after I woke up in pain. I had not only been physically in pain but I was an emotional wreck.  When the tech was done the ultrasound she said she was going to go talk things over with radiologist and then come talk to me in the waiting room. After waiting what felt like forever she finally came out to tell me that they sent all the info back to my doctor and to go back ( an hour away) to see him and get the results. At first she wouldn't tell me anything but when I started crying it made her nervous. She finally told me that the baby was fine and was where it was supposed to be. She also said that I had an ovarian cyst burst (which was what the stabbing pain was) and my doctor could tell me more about that. WTF. I've never had ovarian cysts in my life. Thank you universe, you picked this exact moment to burst my ovary while my husband was out of town, just had a miscarriage, and I am 6 weeks pregnant. Like come on! The ride back to town all I could feel was overwhelming relief.

     From here on out it was pretty smooth sailing. Waiting to hear that first heart beat, or to feel the first movement seemed to take ages to make it to those milestone. Every time she moved it was a huge sigh of relief.  I don't get sick with pregnancies, I don't get swollen, huge, or uncomfortable.  I have fast labors. I'm one of those strange people that actually enjoy being pregnant. Expect when it comes to trying to get of the couch and feeling like a beach whale, I don't really like that part.

      We waited until Christmas to tell the kids and our families. I wanted to be further along before we told the kids in case something were to happen. I was still a little gun shy.  I was around 16 weeks at Christmas. We wrapped a package of diapers and let the kids all open it at the same time. They were beyond excited! They had been begging for years to get a baby... Like it was a puppy.

     With this pregnancy we decided to have a home birth with the Midwives.  Yup. A home birth. My journey with Midwifery started before I was pregnant, before I even had Nate on board with having a baby. With my other 4 labors being fast, and by fast I mean, living a few blocks away from the hospital and barely  making it to the hospital in time before the baby came with only Nate and a nurse delivering the baby without the Dr., kind of fast. So I knew making it to the nearest capable hospital over an hour away would be out of the question. Unless Nate was up for delivering by himself on the side of the highway, which I'm pretty sure he wasn't, but it would have made for a great story!
    A couple years ago a Midwife clinic opened in our little rural town, with a two midwife team. I was intrigued. I'd "heard stories" about midwives and home births and wanted to find out more. I began doing research. I watched every documentary I could get my hands on. I read articles published in medical journals from Canada, USA, Europe, and the UK. I read articles published by our own Canadian and Provincial government/health officials. And every piece of data/info I found all concluded that for low-risk pregnancies home births with a midwife are not only as safe as hospital births but can actually be safer than a hospital birth. They carry all sorts of equipment with them, and are well trained in emergency situations. I would LOVE to go into more detail with this but I think that is a whole other post for a whole other day. I encourage you to do your own research on this even if your not expecting. More awareness needs to be brought to Midwifery to be able to increase funding from the government which in turn will save the gov money. Its a win win situation.
    My best friend was expecting, she decided to use the midwives, maybe with just a little encouragement from me. She was my guinea pig in a sense. I could see first hand the kind of special care that a person gets from a midwife vs obgyn. And with that first hand knowledge I could make a more informed decision if the time ever came for me. And a year later it did.

     Again, convincing Nate was another story. I presented him with all the info and data I had gathered over the previous two years.  We discussed at length possible outcomes including emergencies.  Although he agrees with me on living a more holistic lifestyle and that hospitals, a lot of the time, are too quick to intervene and often cause more problem with their interventions. He was still just worried about the worst case scenario. Being an hour away from the hospital in a worst case scenario is an even bigger worst case scenario, but it is one of the risk of living rural. Not just with births but with everyday life accidents.  Sometimes its hard to step out of your comfort zone and out of the "norm".  I had already started seeing the midwives at his point. I knew my body, I know my intuition. I knew it was the best case scenario  for us.  Once he got used to the idea, learned  more about it, and met the Midwifes, he was for sure on board. We were both looking forward to the experience of a home birth.
    Our family on the other hand...  My mom was great when I told her we were using the Midwives. I think she kind of expected it. She knows me well enough that I don't do anything with out doing tons of research and making an informed decision. She trusted me and supported me. Maybe partly because I inherited her amazingly fast labor and delivery skills, she understood I wouldn't make it to the hospital.  I'm sure she had her moments where she had doubts, but she never showed me those. I never had anything but complete support from her.Which I appreciate immensely. My family as a whole (to my face anyways) were fairly supportive. Again I don't think they were surprised. In my family I'm kinda the hippy, tree hugger, crazy chicken lady, holistic weirdo.
    Nate's family on the other hand..I think I can honestly say that I never felt like I fully had their support. I love them so much, and couldn't ask for better in-laws, but In this case I felt really let down. They made me feel like I was being selfish and intentionally putting my baby in harms way. We had a few discussion with them, and tried to explain the reasoning behind our decision. I don't know if they listened or not, or if it helped them feel more comfortable with it. It wasn't easy, there was hurt and tears probably on both sides. But at the end of the day it wasn't their decision to make and it was up to them if they were going to support us or not.

     Finally the day came! Well not really. The  day that we had planned on her coming came, she, on the other hand, did not. Three of my kids were all exactly 2 week early, the other was 10 days early. So we marked the calendar for June 6th as the day we had expected her to make her debut. Nothing. June 7..nothing. Over the next couple day I had pangs and twinges there was a couple times where I thought maybe this was it and then they would stop. It felt like this baby was never going to come. Every morning I would wake up and Nate would reach over and feel my belly hoping I would have had her in the night while he was sleeping. Nope.. sorry buddy, your not getting off that easy. Over a week of twinges on and off. I started to get frustrated, most of them happened in the night so I wasn't sleeping well. June 17th, three days before my due date, I had an appointment with my Midwife, she decided it would be ok to do a "stretch and sweep" I think she called it. And sent me home with instructions to have everything ready and on hand. I spent the rest of my day like any other day. I went grocery shopping, took the kids to the library, took the kids to baseball, did a bunch of driving around doing other errands. We finally made it home around 6 to start making supper. I continued to have pangs and twinges all day like I'd been having for a couple weeks. While making supper I started to get a lot of lower back pain. I handed the rest of supper making duties over to Nate and decided to go have a bath to relax and try to decide if it was for real this time or not. At this point any twinges were still over 10 minutes apart. So I still wasn't sure. I wasn't really having contraction's just mostly back pain. My other babies were all born in the middle of the night so I basically just woke up in labor. I didn't know what earlier labor felt like so I didn't know what was really going on.
    Around 6:40 pm I got out of the bath, dried off and laid on the bed for a minute to decide if I was going to go eat supper or have a baby. I decided on supper. As I was just about to get up my water broke. My water has only broke on its own with one other baby. It's such a strange feeling. I'm pretty sure I heard, as well as felt, a POP sound. I cleaned up a bit and called Nate in and told him it was time to call the Midwives.  Luckily one Midwife Eve, lives just a couple minutes away from me. While she was on her way here Nate tried to get the room ready. She was here in a matter of minutes, talk about service!  With every contraction I had, they got closer and closer together and stronger. I wasn't really having contractions like I had with the others, it was all in my lower back. Nate was in and out of the room trying to keep the kids calm, grabbing items, starting the dryer to have warm towel. Really, he was just trying to keep himself busy, he doesn't do well with this kind of thing, which is one reason why delivering a baby on the highway was not at the top of our list.  When he was in the room he would rub my lower back during the contractions when he was gone Eve would.       One of the best parts about having a home birth is being allowed to move freely without being yelled at by nurses. I was able to move and get in a position that felt the best and relieved the most pain. Which for me was squatting. To even think about having to lay on my back made me sick.   In between contraction Eve would get her equipment all laid out and ready to go.  I'm not positive at what point the other midwife Terry made it, I think just before Scout supermaned her way into this world at 7:50pm.   Seriously she had her hand up by her head, the kids think its hilarious when we say this. It only took one or two pushes for her to make her way. I'm not positive on that because it was never "ok now it's time to push". We just let it happen naturally when my body was ready to push it did so and it didn't take much. I sat there holding my squishy little alien baby, in complete awe and shock that this day FINALLY came. So much heart ache and tears all lead up to this moment and my heart could not be fuller. We moved up onto the bed so we could get her cleaned up and get a good look at her.
    Unlike a hospital setting where they cut the cord immediately, take the baby away, weigh, measure, poke and prod, wrap them up and after minutes finally bring them back to you.  I laid on my bed holding my baby skin to skin with a warm towel covering her, with the cord still attached ( up to 1/3 of their blood volume is still in the cord/placenta, its important they get this blood back in their bodies for many reasons, it doesn't  usually happen in hospitals) until it stopped pulsing. I held her, stared into her eyes completely in unbelief that she is mine. All mine. And just maybe just a little bit Nate's. I do try to share her sometimes. After maybe 20/30 minutes and a feeding I finally relinquished her in order to weigh and measure her.  She weighed a whopping 8lbs 3oz. My biggest baby!  My others ranging from 5lbs 15 oz  to  7 lbs 9 oz.
     We then had the kids come in and check her out and get to hold her. They were as in love as we were. I think by this time both grandparents were here as well. They got the kids tucked in bed as the Midwives finished cleaning up and got me some supper and all tucked in bed. Seriously the service is amazing! Then they came in and got to check out the newest member of both families.

    I don't think I can ever put into words how much I appreciate my Midwives. They are the most amazing women I have ever met. They put their own lives and families on hold to help bring lives into this world. Terry was watching her kids soccer game when she got the call to come. I hope  she made it back in time to see the end of the game. Eve, I'm sure was at home spending an evening with her family. And thank you their families who support their calling in life. Amazing women!!

    Now, I don't consider myself a superwomen for having a home birth or not using any medication. All my labors have been fast and drug free.  I do however have a deeper understand of the spiritual side of the birthing process, that I don't feel like I had with my others.  I do feel like that was taken from me with my other 4 hospital births. I wasn't able to connect with myself in such away that I did this time.  I'm not in anyway against those who choose a hospital, I think there is a time and a place for medical interventions.  But for me, this is what I needed. I needed my baby to be born is a safe, caring environment. I needed this experience to heal my pain of loss. I needed this, to be stronger. Although I now feel my family is complete, I would have 10 more babies just to be able to have the home birth experience again. I can't put into words the emotions of this experience nor do I really want to try. Those I will keep to myself and keep private.   I would continue to have babies just for this experience. Everyone I've talked to who have had home births say the same thing.  I have yet to hear someone say, " I would have a baby again just so I can get that C-section or that epidural again"?          A home birth for me was a spiritual experience.

     And with that, We named her Scout Ireland Primrose. SCOUT for the spunky little cowgirl she is.  IRELAND not only because that is "where she was made" but for the lessons I learned while there, the awakening, the letting go of loss and looking forward. I never want to forget what I went through while in Ireland and Scotland. She is my lucky charm, my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, the rainbow after the storm, my four leaf clover and all the rest of that cheesy stuff.  And finally PRIMROSE because I didn't want Nate to get suspicious and think her real dad is a leprechaun.

    This little girl has flipped our world upside down, kept us on our toes. Stretched our hearts bigger than we ever could have imagined. She is adored not only by us but by her siblings. Even Shayde who desperately wanted a brother, now wouldn't trade her for any boy in the world.  Every day I thank the Lord, the Angels, the Moon and the Stars that she is here and all mine... Ours.. I mean Ours...but mostly Mine.

Scout Ireland Primrose Part 1

      Scout's birth story starts long before she was born and is a lengthy story. Her story begins shortly after Shiloh was born in 2009, nearly six years ago. Our first four kids were born pretty dang close together. Four babies in 4 3/4 years. On top of it, I ran a dayhome. Yikes. Our life was hectic, crazy, a whirlwind, chaotic, etc.etc.etc. Although is was insane, we loved MOSTLY every minute of it.  Nate came from a small family... Ok a tiny family. He has one brother and one sister. One cousin that lives in Ontario,and only saw a handful of times growing up. Maybe a couple cousins in Alberta he saw even less.  I, on the other hand have nearly 75 first cousins. I would see most on a weekly basis, if not daily. I loved coming from a big family and new I always wanted a big family. Nate loved being from a small family and wanted a small family.

      After Shiloh, who was #4, we were at an impasse. No matter what I said or did, I could not convince him to have another baby, and he could not convince me we were done having babies. I tried everything I could think of, I played every card in my deck, and he still wouldn't budge.  He had some good points that I completely understood, such as being able to spend quality time with all of them, being able to afford things like snowboards and horses for all of them, being able to afford to pay for college for all of them..the list went on and on. Another major point he had was that Shiloh was born with a incomplete cleft lip. Knowing how "minor" Shiloh's cleft was and how much worse it could have been, he didn't want to put another kid through that and possibly worse with surgeries and emotional issue down the road. When Shiloh was a baby we had meet with a genetic counselor and she believed that Shiloh's cleft was a genetic thing and just not random. She also said that we had a 10% chance of having another baby with a cleft.(by taking additional folic acid you can reduce the chance) For the normal population its a 3-5% chance.  I agreed with him on his points completely. But I still knew deep down that I was going to have another baby, that she was waiting to come to our family. I knew it. I was never very logical anyway.

    Luckily I don't have one of those husbands who go behind there wife's back and have his mother take him to get a vasectomy. Seriously it happens, I met a couple that this happened to!  He's lucky too that I'm not one of those wives that "forget" to take a pill. I've meet that couple too! There were times over the years that I accepted that we weren't going to have more babies and would start to get rid of baby items. The time I sold the baby bottles, I came home and cried for an hour. It was devastating, a constant tug of war. Back and forth between trying to accept that our family was complete and knowing that it wasn't. For years it went back and forth like this.

     Fast forward to summer/fall 2013. Around this time it seemed like every one and their dog were getting pregnant whether they wanted too or not. Of course I was happy for everyone but I would go back home and bawl that it wasn't happening for me. I think that maybe this was when Nate started to see what it meant to me and how much it was affecting me.  Every time someone else told us they were pregnant, I almost went through a grieving process for days or even weeks after.  I grieved for the baby I knew I was meant to have and never would. I'm really not a dramatic person but when it came to this it really was a struggle. I don't mean to take away or compare myself to anyone who has lost a child. I have a sister who lost a baby and I know my grief never will come close to hers, but I did grieve none the less.

    By fall my emotions and feelings were consuming.  I approached the subject again with Nate and for the first time really explained to him what I had been going through, all the hurt and pain and the ups and downs.  We talked about it over the next few days. He made all his points again, and I agreed with them all. But it didn't change the way I felt. It was the age old fight between the head and the heart.The heart wants what the heart wants. I think finally he started to think with his heart instead of his head. Once I saw his resolve start to weaken I started pulling out cards I never knew I had. Such as, if I got a baby he could get a motorbike ;) ( He's still too practical to actually buy one even though he's allowed)  Finally but extremely reluctantly he said YES!!

    There were still a few things we had to work out. I had to start taking extra Folic Acid at least 3 months before getting pregnant. We also had a trip booked to Ireland and Scotland for Sept 2014 that I was not giving up.  I didn't want to be in my first trimester travelling and being sick and I didn't want to be too far in the third trimester while traveling either. We had a 3 or 4 month window of when we could get pregnant. The fall, winter, and early spring were the llooonnggeessttt months of my life, just waiting until we could start trying to get pregnant. Finally it was time. We had a plan with not a lot of wiggle room. We expected to get pregnant on the first try because the other 4 were all on the first try (or not even trying) so why would this one be any different? I'll tell you why..the universe gets a kick out of ruining peoples plans. Its kinda sadistic like that.

     The first month we tried...nothing.  The second month we tried...nothing. I had started wondering in the back of my mind that he just might be that kind of husband that has his mother take him for a vasectomy.  Just kidding...sort of.  He was lucky because at the end of May we found out we were pregnant!! We were both excited. Even though we both had our fears and concerns, we were happy. Over the next week or so something felt a little off. Something was not quite right. I didn't say anything to him until I knew for sure, but I knew from the beginning. June 4th I miscarried. Words can never describe the pain, the hurt, the anger, the grief, the sadness, and the sorrow of the loss of a child at any stage of its life.  After fighting for so long, after hurting for so long, the joy of finally getting the one thing you wanted more than anything else in the entire world, and then having that taken away from you. I was angry that after grieving for the child I never had, I now had to grieve for the child I had and lost. I was angry at myself for wanting this child so badly and I was angry at Nate for never being able to fully understand what had been taken from me.

    A week later I was starting a summer job at a friends restaurant. I needed the distraction. I needed out of the house. I needed time away from my family. I also needed to earn spending money for our trip coming up in September. Our trip also provided a distraction for me. I was able to plan and dream about something other than a baby for a little while.  To add insult to injury after my miscarriage I got the worst bladder infection I've ever had.  Which meant we had to wait to try again until all the medication was out of my system. And with that, the "window" to get pregnant before our trip was out the window. The rest of summer went by with not much improvement to my heart and soul. I made it through each day because I had to. I still had to try to be a good mom to my kids, and a good wife.

    With our trip only a week or two away we decided to try again. If I got pregnant I would be home again before any sickness set in.  We were in the beginning of our trip in Dublin, trying to enjoy myself, forget my pain, and get over massive jet lag, I also got my period. I had a good cry in the shower, got myself cleaned up and we went out to supper in the Temple Bar district. It really was a neat area, I wish I could have enjoyed it more.

    As our trip went on and we saw more castles and enchanting country sides, I could feel my heavyness lifting. For the first time in months I felt like I could almost breathe again. As I walked through the towns, villages, and cemeteries of my ancestors I could feel them, I felt connected to them. It was a connection that I knew couldn't be broken by death. Its crazy I know, but if you've ever had the same opportunity you'll understand. By the end of our trip I can't say that I was "healed" but I can say that for the first time in what felt like forever, I knew things were going to be ok. I knew Nate and I were going to be ok. I knew I was going to be ok. My eyes were opened, my burdens lifted, my heart re-opened. I really can not put into word what happened to me while in Ireland and Scotland. Maybe it was the fairies, maybe the whisps or maybe the feeling that world is really bigger than any of us. That time will pass no matter what we do. And its what we do with that time that really matters.  It was a total battery recharge. I still dream of the day I can go back, I never want to forget what happened to me there.

   While driving in the Scottish Highlands one afternoon we found this random little loch. I stood with my feet in the water feeling the cool water wash away my sorrow.  I sat on this rock and never wanted to leave this spot. This is my happy place.

 

Chickens in town? Yay or Nay

In Alberta there are only a handful of towns/cities that allow chickens in town limits none of them are near our little corner of Southern Alberta. Some of you may be glad of that, some not.  I for one am not.  A few years ago I may have thought otherwise.There are many pros and cons to this debate.  I'm here to set straight fact from fiction, ignorance and biases. Maybe I'll change your mind on the issue, maybe not. Either way I would like people in our community to be open minded and listen to the pros and cons, facts, and do a little research for yourselves and then make up your mind.

  I try to be open minded with any issue, I like to do my research on both sides of the fence and then make my decision.

Now, chickens are not for every one! They are hard work. They can be expensive. So let start there. Here is a list of CONS as to why chickens should not be allowed in backyards or why chickens are not right for you.

1. Chickens can be time consuming. I spend probably close to a hour a day on my chickens. That includes feeding, watering, collecting eggs, checking food and water again, making sure everyone is healthy, cleaning the nesting boxes, etc.  That hour doesn't include the every couple week coop clean out that can take up to 2 hours to do properly.  Most people don't have the extra time to care for a flock properly.

2. A hen only lays for 2-3 years and then egg production drops off and can stop all together. Chickens can live up to 10+years. Are you going to keep up the cost of feeding the hens and not get eggs in return? Or what will you do once they reach 3 and stop laying?

3. Do you have the space needed for healthy chickens?  A coop requires 3-4 sq feet/bird with a run of 10sq feet/bird.  So for say 6 birds you would need approx 24 sq ft coop, and a 60 sq ft run. Does your yard have that space?

4. Chicken are fairly delicate and can get sick easy. I haven't checked so I cant say for sure if we have any local Avian vets. My guess would be no. You would need to be able to diagnose and treat sick birds. This includes washing poop covered bums. It can be gross and dirty.

5. Chicken feed can attract rodents if not stored properly. Mice, raccoons, skunks,snakes, and weasels which can kill your chickens. We haven't had a problem with any of these, we store our feed properly and our dogs and cats keep those rodents at bay.

6. Your hens need a safe secure well ventilated coop that will keep them warm in the winter and cool in the summer, as well as keep them safe from predators.

7. Chickens are social animals so you need to have 3 or more to keep them happy. They also don't do well being confined, it can lead to feather picking and even cannibalism. This is why it is important to have a proper sized coop and run and even allow free range time if possible.

8. Chickens can be prone to lice and mites just as your cats and dogs are prone to fleas. You will have to be able to treat the problem as the lice and mites can kill your chickens if left untreated.

9.You will need to fix/build your fence to protect your flock from predators from getting into your yard

10. Your own cat or dog can and will kill your chickens if not raised with them. Even dogs that have been raised with chicken should never be left alone with them.

11. Do your research. I spend 6 months and countless hours researching breeds of chickens, how to care for chickens, pretty much anything about chickens. I don't know everything about chickens but over the last 2 years I have learned  a lot.

12. One of the biggest reason for NOT raising chickens is the cost vs production ratio. You can buy a dozen eggs from the store for around $2.50.  For a backyard flock most cities only allow up to 8 bird/household. On average a hen lays 4-5 eggs/week. For arguments sake lets say you buy a chicken coop. Buy already laying hen because its way cheaper than growing them from chicks. Plus the cost of feed, your looking at something like this:

Coop                                                                $500+  (depending on size)

run                                                                    $200+/-(depending on size)

laying hens 8 @ $10/bird                                   $ 80

straw/ pine shavings                                           $  50/year

feed for 8                                                          $ 25/month

medicines/health care                                         $ 50/year

everything else                                                   $ 100/year

So just for the basics for a flock of 8 for the first year your looking at a total of $1280. The next year your looking at about $500/year/8 birds. Yes there are ways to reduce this cost. But if you are going to raise chickens you should do it properly and give those hens the best diets and care.

Lets say the average family uses 2 dozen eggs per week. Buying their eggs at the grocery store at $2.50/dozen they will spend about $260/year for eggs. That is about 1/5 of the start up costs and half of the yearly costs of having 8 birds.  For people wanting to raise chickens to save money, its just not realistic. There are ways to off set this cost, for example, sell your extra eggs to your neighbors, trade eggs for free straw bales etc.

Time to switch gears here a little, lets talk about the some of the PROS. 

1. The nutritional value of store bought eggs vs free range eggs. As well as the color,texture, and taste of fresh eggs vs store eggs. It is something you have to see in person to truly appreciate.

 

2. FREE FERTILIZER.  When you clean the coop the dropping and straw can be added directly to your compost pile or your garden. For those of you who grow garden this is an excellent way to boost your production for FREE.

3. Chickens LOVE bugs. They will eat anything including ants,spiders,flies,caterpillars,slugs,worms, june bugs, grasshoppers, mosquito,moths and beetles. Really anything that is creepy and crawly. They will keep the bug population of your yard to a minimum.

4. Chickens will till your garden for you. They love to scratch and dig to look for treats. In the fall and spring let them into your garden area and they will eat the weeds, add fertilizer by pooping in it and then mix it all in for you. That means less yard work for you!

5.Chicken are great entertainment.  No really they are and I'm not talking about cock fights!  Every person that has visited my farm and seen my chickens say to me that they could sit there all day and watch them. 

Its true, chickens have personalities just as dogs and cats do. Nothing is better than sitting on your deck at the end of the day watching your hens chase around bugs. 

6. Chickens can teach children responsibility. Our kids do NOT own ipods/ ipads.  They have very limited computer or Wii time. Not that we limit it as much as they enjoy being outside playing and running. They love checking for eggs and counting how many we have each day. They have chores to do around the farm. They feed the cats, dogs, and horses and they love it. They love having the responsibility and routine. It makes them feel important. It teaches them to do a job well done and be proud of their work. Last time I checked there wasn't an app for that.

7. This is where your eggs come from....

This is where mine come from...

 As you can see my birds have full feathers and can walk. The health of the bird effects the quality and nutrition of the egg. I'm not vegan. I believe animals are here for us to eat. But I do believe in NOT being cruel to animals and giving them the best healthiest life.

8. Allowing chickens in town will help to boost our local economy. We are lucky to have a great local feed store and hardware stores. You'll remember cost breakdown above of $1280 for the first year. IF 100 families decide to raise chickens and buy their supplies locally that is $128,000 put directly into our local economy. In a town of approx 3500 people $128,000 is a lot!  I also believe that it would bring new people to the community.

9. Chickens can actually reduce waste from going into our landfill. Here is a quote from Organic Gardening about backyard chickens "In Belgium, one city is actually giving three laying hens to 2,000 homes in an effort to reduce landfill costs. City officials expect to recover a significant portion of the $600,000 a year the city spends on dealing with this type of household "trash." According to Foreman, a single chicken can biorecycle about seven pounds of food residuals in a month. If just 2,000 households raise three hens, it could divert 252 tons of waste from landfills annually."  You can find it here.    

10. Some people have chicken for pets and not for eggs for meat. There are many breed of chicken that are some of the cutest things you've ever seen. There are also bantam chickens. They are about half the size of normal chickens and laying eggs half the size of normal eggs. Here is one example of a bantam silkie.

So now on the the Myth section of this post. There are so many misconceptions about chickens. I will try to clear up a few that I hear the most.

CHICKENS ARE NOISY        Yes, chickens can be noisy, especially a rooster. Towns/cities that do allow chickens do not allow roosters for that very reason. You do not need a rooster to produce eggs. Roosters are only needed for fertilizing eggs. When a hen lays an egg she sings an egg song, its not loud yes you can hear it if your outside and the coop window is open. I have never heard the egg song when I am inside my house.  If you don't have a rooster there is no crowing in the morning. We put out bird food to attract other birds into our yards to enjoy their songs and watch them play. Chicken are birds. They provide the same entertainment their smaller counterparts do.I lived in a city for 6 years. In that time, I can not count the times I was woken up by dogs barking. At least once a week I was woken up by cat fights. I've had chickens on my farm for 1 1/2 years. My bedroom window is less than 50 ft from the coop. I have NEVER been woken up by them and we even have roosters.   Bottom line chickens are NOT as noisy as people think. They are way less noisy than the animals currently allowed in town limits.

CHICKENS SMELL     They are NOT smelly. The birds themselves do not smell. The inside of the coop at times can get smelly when due for a clean out, but I have never been able to smell it from the outside. I've tried. If your neighbour says he can smell it he's probably lying. Tens of thousands of chickens in a commercial farm stink. A few backyard chickens do not.  Yards full of dog poo stink. Garbage's that cats get into stink. 

CHICKENS BELONG ON FARMS    So do dogs. Dogs shouldn't be confined to a backyard or run their whole lives.  They require walks and care. As do chickens. Chickens thrive just fine in backyard settings.

Those are the main myths that I have heard people express at their concerns. Which is fine to express concern but learn the facts. Find the answers to your questions. Don't just assume.

Being a chicken owner I would have suggestions for cities or town considering allowing chickens. I think they are fair and represent all members of the community and address certain concerns

-  Before they open the town to chickens they should do a pilot project. Only allow so many household to have chickens for a year see how it goes and go from there.

- There should be licences or permits as there are for dogs. Hey! it will help the town earn a little extra cash.

- There should be a maximum number allowed per household.  Anywhere from 3 up to 8 depending on lot size.

-There should be building codes for coops as there are for decks and sheds etc. 

- A neighbourhood agreement. Having your neighbour's on both sides give their consent.

- In Mundare AB (near Edmonton) in 2010 they allowed up to 5 chickens per household but anyone who wanted to have chickens had to complete a course on chicken care. Which include keeping the coop clean.

-apply fines for breaking any of the rules.

I believe there are ways to keep both sides happy. I think you would be surprised to find out how many chickens there are already in our towns and cities. And you don't even smell them or hear them. I know a family in Lethbridge who had chickens for YEARS before there neighbour found out and eventually reported them. Their children were devastated about giving away their family pet. 

I will always have chickens. I am lucky to be able to live on an acreage where me and my chickens can live in peace. I raise chickens for eggs and meat. For peace of mind knowing where my food comes from.  God forbid I ever have the grand misfortune to live in a town or city where I cannot have chickens. If that day ever comes I will either a) fight for the right to have chickens in my yard.  or the more likely answer b) just have chickens anyway, my neighbours most likely would never know and if they did I would just bribe them with fresh healthy eggs.  

But in all seriousness I beg you to take the time to do a little research before you make up your mind. I encourage you to visit the Hutterite egg farms or any other egg/chicken farms and them visit farms like mine and then decide where you want your food to come from.  I open my farm up to anyone who would actually like to learn more,see or ask questions about chickens. To see what they would actually be like in a backyard setting. I would suspect that you would be surprised. And if not change your mind on the topic, you would be more open to the idea.

2nd Annual Primrose Pumpkin Shoot!

One of the great this about living on a farm is you get to shoot stuff!  Last year we started this tradition and the kids couldn't wait to do it again this year!  After Halloween we take our pumpkins out back and line 'em up, and have target practice with them. All the kids got a turn with Daddy's help. I know I'm a little late posting these. But hey, I've been busy...Give me a break!

                                        

Oh a hunting we will go...

Nate likes to be the manly type so this last weekend we loaded up the kids and went hunting. It being the opening weekend for deer hunting there were hunters everywhere. We didn't have much luck in the morning or afternoon. But as the end of the day approached and most hunters were headed home we got lucky! Nate's dad got a doe first. Then we drove a little farther down the road and Nate got a Buck.

The kids were excited to get a picture with the deer to go on the "Kill Wall" at school. They go to a rural school where most of the community hunts. So all the kids bring in their pictures and get them put on the wall.

I think the kids handled it pretty well. Claire had a little meltdown. But she understands that we only hunt for food.  And that its important to be thankful, to the deer and to God for providing food for our family.

It was an interesting experience. Kinda like butchering the chickens. I have never been hunting before so I didn't know quite what to expect, I don't think it was as bad as I thought it would be.  We are still waiting to get our meat back from the butcher. We will be getting, jerky, breakfast sausage, dinner sausage, and some cutlets I think.  Next year we want to try butchering ourselves and see how it goes.

Wood Run

In the Fall we like to load up the kids and head to the Mountains. We cut down dead wood to keep our house warm through the winter. The kids LOVE going into the Mountains. We couldn't have asked for a better day. The weather was beautiful, we had chili and cornbread for lunch, and spent the day working and playing with the kids and Ma & Pa Primrose.  They were great helpers!

Isnt' he sooo manly??

 Taking a walk with Grandma

Every time Shiloh sees a camera this is what she does...

 seriously...every time...

...Once in awhile she will throw in ones of these.

Having a rest with grandma after a yummy lunch!

We can't wait to go again next year!