Scout Ireland Primrose Part 1

      Scout's birth story starts long before she was born and is a lengthy story. Her story begins shortly after Shiloh was born in 2009, nearly six years ago. Our first four kids were born pretty dang close together. Four babies in 4 3/4 years. On top of it, I ran a dayhome. Yikes. Our life was hectic, crazy, a whirlwind, chaotic, etc.etc.etc. Although is was insane, we loved MOSTLY every minute of it.  Nate came from a small family... Ok a tiny family. He has one brother and one sister. One cousin that lives in Ontario,and only saw a handful of times growing up. Maybe a couple cousins in Alberta he saw even less.  I, on the other hand have nearly 75 first cousins. I would see most on a weekly basis, if not daily. I loved coming from a big family and new I always wanted a big family. Nate loved being from a small family and wanted a small family.

      After Shiloh, who was #4, we were at an impasse. No matter what I said or did, I could not convince him to have another baby, and he could not convince me we were done having babies. I tried everything I could think of, I played every card in my deck, and he still wouldn't budge.  He had some good points that I completely understood, such as being able to spend quality time with all of them, being able to afford things like snowboards and horses for all of them, being able to afford to pay for college for all of them..the list went on and on. Another major point he had was that Shiloh was born with a incomplete cleft lip. Knowing how "minor" Shiloh's cleft was and how much worse it could have been, he didn't want to put another kid through that and possibly worse with surgeries and emotional issue down the road. When Shiloh was a baby we had meet with a genetic counselor and she believed that Shiloh's cleft was a genetic thing and just not random. She also said that we had a 10% chance of having another baby with a cleft.(by taking additional folic acid you can reduce the chance) For the normal population its a 3-5% chance.  I agreed with him on his points completely. But I still knew deep down that I was going to have another baby, that she was waiting to come to our family. I knew it. I was never very logical anyway.

    Luckily I don't have one of those husbands who go behind there wife's back and have his mother take him to get a vasectomy. Seriously it happens, I met a couple that this happened to!  He's lucky too that I'm not one of those wives that "forget" to take a pill. I've meet that couple too! There were times over the years that I accepted that we weren't going to have more babies and would start to get rid of baby items. The time I sold the baby bottles, I came home and cried for an hour. It was devastating, a constant tug of war. Back and forth between trying to accept that our family was complete and knowing that it wasn't. For years it went back and forth like this.

     Fast forward to summer/fall 2013. Around this time it seemed like every one and their dog were getting pregnant whether they wanted too or not. Of course I was happy for everyone but I would go back home and bawl that it wasn't happening for me. I think that maybe this was when Nate started to see what it meant to me and how much it was affecting me.  Every time someone else told us they were pregnant, I almost went through a grieving process for days or even weeks after.  I grieved for the baby I knew I was meant to have and never would. I'm really not a dramatic person but when it came to this it really was a struggle. I don't mean to take away or compare myself to anyone who has lost a child. I have a sister who lost a baby and I know my grief never will come close to hers, but I did grieve none the less.

    By fall my emotions and feelings were consuming.  I approached the subject again with Nate and for the first time really explained to him what I had been going through, all the hurt and pain and the ups and downs.  We talked about it over the next few days. He made all his points again, and I agreed with them all. But it didn't change the way I felt. It was the age old fight between the head and the heart.The heart wants what the heart wants. I think finally he started to think with his heart instead of his head. Once I saw his resolve start to weaken I started pulling out cards I never knew I had. Such as, if I got a baby he could get a motorbike ;) ( He's still too practical to actually buy one even though he's allowed)  Finally but extremely reluctantly he said YES!!

    There were still a few things we had to work out. I had to start taking extra Folic Acid at least 3 months before getting pregnant. We also had a trip booked to Ireland and Scotland for Sept 2014 that I was not giving up.  I didn't want to be in my first trimester travelling and being sick and I didn't want to be too far in the third trimester while traveling either. We had a 3 or 4 month window of when we could get pregnant. The fall, winter, and early spring were the llooonnggeessttt months of my life, just waiting until we could start trying to get pregnant. Finally it was time. We had a plan with not a lot of wiggle room. We expected to get pregnant on the first try because the other 4 were all on the first try (or not even trying) so why would this one be any different? I'll tell you why..the universe gets a kick out of ruining peoples plans. Its kinda sadistic like that.

     The first month we tried...nothing.  The second month we tried...nothing. I had started wondering in the back of my mind that he just might be that kind of husband that has his mother take him for a vasectomy.  Just kidding...sort of.  He was lucky because at the end of May we found out we were pregnant!! We were both excited. Even though we both had our fears and concerns, we were happy. Over the next week or so something felt a little off. Something was not quite right. I didn't say anything to him until I knew for sure, but I knew from the beginning. June 4th I miscarried. Words can never describe the pain, the hurt, the anger, the grief, the sadness, and the sorrow of the loss of a child at any stage of its life.  After fighting for so long, after hurting for so long, the joy of finally getting the one thing you wanted more than anything else in the entire world, and then having that taken away from you. I was angry that after grieving for the child I never had, I now had to grieve for the child I had and lost. I was angry at myself for wanting this child so badly and I was angry at Nate for never being able to fully understand what had been taken from me.

    A week later I was starting a summer job at a friends restaurant. I needed the distraction. I needed out of the house. I needed time away from my family. I also needed to earn spending money for our trip coming up in September. Our trip also provided a distraction for me. I was able to plan and dream about something other than a baby for a little while.  To add insult to injury after my miscarriage I got the worst bladder infection I've ever had.  Which meant we had to wait to try again until all the medication was out of my system. And with that, the "window" to get pregnant before our trip was out the window. The rest of summer went by with not much improvement to my heart and soul. I made it through each day because I had to. I still had to try to be a good mom to my kids, and a good wife.

    With our trip only a week or two away we decided to try again. If I got pregnant I would be home again before any sickness set in.  We were in the beginning of our trip in Dublin, trying to enjoy myself, forget my pain, and get over massive jet lag, I also got my period. I had a good cry in the shower, got myself cleaned up and we went out to supper in the Temple Bar district. It really was a neat area, I wish I could have enjoyed it more.

    As our trip went on and we saw more castles and enchanting country sides, I could feel my heavyness lifting. For the first time in months I felt like I could almost breathe again. As I walked through the towns, villages, and cemeteries of my ancestors I could feel them, I felt connected to them. It was a connection that I knew couldn't be broken by death. Its crazy I know, but if you've ever had the same opportunity you'll understand. By the end of our trip I can't say that I was "healed" but I can say that for the first time in what felt like forever, I knew things were going to be ok. I knew Nate and I were going to be ok. I knew I was going to be ok. My eyes were opened, my burdens lifted, my heart re-opened. I really can not put into word what happened to me while in Ireland and Scotland. Maybe it was the fairies, maybe the whisps or maybe the feeling that world is really bigger than any of us. That time will pass no matter what we do. And its what we do with that time that really matters.  It was a total battery recharge. I still dream of the day I can go back, I never want to forget what happened to me there.

   While driving in the Scottish Highlands one afternoon we found this random little loch. I stood with my feet in the water feeling the cool water wash away my sorrow.  I sat on this rock and never wanted to leave this spot. This is my happy place.